Courage...coming soon.

"Wow Pam, that takes a lot of courage."  I have heard this line many times in the past two weeks as I have shared my plans of uprooting and heading cross country for a few months.  Each time I hear it,  I laugh a little, shrug my shoulders, raise my eyebrows and say "really?"  Usually the person follows up the initial comment with something like "many of us would like to do what you are doing but...," and then the blanks are filled in with anything from "but I have a family now, or but I just started a new job, or but I don't think I could, or just but..."  No one really ever says "I would love to do that but I don't have the courage."  So I ask myself, why do they say to me that it takes courage? What are they really trying to say, about my experiences or their own?  I always find myself engaging in a conversation with them (or myself) about the nature of courage, and it is no big surprise but having courage isn't as straightforward as one might think. 

Webster's online dictionary defines courage as  "A quality of spirit that enables you to face danger or pain without showing fear," as well as  "That quality of mind which enables one to encounter danger and difficulties with firmness, or without fear, or fainting of heart; valor; boldness; resolution,"  while the American Heritage Dictionary defines courage as "The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self-possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery."   

This last definition is the one that resonates with me the most as I personally don't believe that courage means "without showing" fear or even acting "without" fear.  In fact, what comes to mind for me is "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway," a mantra I have heard many times and also a best selling book by Susan Jeffers.   When I think of people who have acted/are acting with courage, I think of my mother who battled her cancer with "self-possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery," and my good friend Lisa who is currently battling Stage IV colon cancer with "self-possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery."   I encouraged my mother to feel and show ALL that she was feeling, fear included, but to fight the fight as well.  I imagine and hope that Lisa is getting the same messages as I think the denial of fear sometimes inhibits our growth.  To be afraid is human.  To act anyway is courageous.  I have known many, many courageous people and all have inspired me beyond measure.


I find myself considering the role of courage in my life and realize that there were many times for which I could say "Wow-that took courage Pam."  In some ways, moving cross country is the result of acting courageously over the past year, and trust me, fear was ever present.  Going away for a month yoga immersion took courage as I faced the fear of change, ending a relationship with a wonderful woman took courage as I faced the fear of hurt and loss, and leaving my job for a year (or more) took courage as I faced and continue to face the fear of stability; financial and emotional.  I'm glad I just wrote that because otherwise I don't think I would give myself credit for acting courageously, and it is something I should be proud of and something I need to recognize as serving as a catalyst for my continued growth. 


As my departure date gets closer, I find myself vacillating between excitement and nervousness.  Excitement always seems to win out.  I think it has been the practice of feeling the fear and doing it anyway that has allowed me to get to this place....and it took courage and hard work.  So now, I shall enjoy the fruits of my labor. 


Jai!