Letting Go of Urgency--again.

My mother used to always say "I'm not rushing, I just move fast."  That woman could do more, know more, live more and love more in any given day than ANYONE I have ever known.  Period.  End of story.  I know I'm biased, but it is true.  Since we spent quite a bit of time together, I was able to witness the number of ways this could play out on any given day.  I would watch her prepare the most wonderful breakfast, say soft-crabs and scrambled eggs, sit with the two or ten of us there, be entirely present enjoying the meal and conversation and before we could even clear the dishes, she was asking what we wanted for dinner.  I used to stop her and say "Mom, slow down...enjoy the moment," and she would look up at me, continue to do whatever she was into next ( making strawberry daiquiris for the day....for twenty!) and say "I'm not rushing Pamela, I just move fast."  Each time this happened, I experienced  a combination of admiration and contemplation.   I admired the fact that she so loved life, those around her and all the magnificent opportunities this world had to offer that she literally wanted to experience all of it..right then and there.  I also contemplated how much of her movement was generated from a sense of fear....a sense of urgency... to experience it all in case it was suddenly to go away.  You see, my lifelong inquiry regarding fear of death was passed down to me by my beautiful mother.  Now, I am not complaining because she also passed down her energy, her compassion and her nice legs (hate to toot my own horn but HONK--again, for you nephew) and I am grateful for the package deal.  In fact, if I had not been blessed with this sometimes daunting inquiry, I would not be the spiritual warrior I am today.  Of that, I am certain. 

Over the past 6  months, and in particular the past few weeks, I have been overcome by feelings of urgency.  I wanted my relationship issues to be resolved, my school year to be over,  my plans for my year off to be scheduled, and most importantly, I wanted to begin to relax and let go of urgency and I wanted it to all happen NOW!  Funny, isn't it?  Over this period of time I meditated on and read about presence almost daily.  What was even funnier was when I recognized that you can't be in the present moment and feel urgent at the same time because everything you need is already there!  Well, not so funny really.  It can actually make you quite nutty if you let it.  And I let it.  I like to learn the hard way. 

My challenge, one of many, is to figure out a way to plan and execute all of the exciting things I want to do this year without feeling as if I am under some type of "now or never" time line. I have been rationalizing my "purposeful commitment to planning" as a necessary component of making sure things come to fruition, and the reality is that this is how life works--we must plan. However, if I am being completely honest, what I have really felt as of late is a state of urgency; an uncomfortable state of urgency that has been guided by fear.  I think there are times in our lives when this feeling naturally emerges for people; when they have lost someone close to them, when they are ill or becoming more aware of aging or maybe even when they have a year off and want to take full advantage of it. 

I know that for me, letting go of this feeling of urgency and embracing the present moment has been part of my path my whole life.  It is a place I return to again and again, like my favorite vacation spot.  It is a place that my heart desires even more than any cool place I will visit over the next few months.  It is a place I look forward to continually exploring and I look forward to it NOW.  

I'm not rushing, I just move fast.